Rough patch

Life sure knows how to humble you, especially in New York. The things I’ve been through in my life, you would think I would give up by now, but I held my ground and fought my way through. I get most of it from my mom. So much has gone on in the last 3 years, and now I'm adding to my list being hit by a car. I was in so much shock; I couldn’t believe this really happened to me. While lying down, I watched all these people surround my body. I couldn’t move. My body suffered fractures to 6 ribs and my collarbone. The 2 days in the hospital were like living in a nightmare. I had no thoughts in mind, being fed pain meds and hospital food & all I could think about was how much pain I was in. I was discharged the next day. Still suffering from the pain, on top of that, I had no one to help me bring my bike up the flight of stairs. One guy was too busy on his phone. A house in front of me as I was about to ask him for help. I said Why bother. I got my bike up the stairs, but that only increased my pain. Came back to a home that I avoided every time, and getting out of the house was my only escape for my mental health. Now I’m stuck in this tiny apartment barely could move around. I feel like a Sim. Every time I lay down and got back up, my ribs would hurt so much. I tried every single thing to reduce the pain, but I could barely take it. I cried so many times while lying down, hoping for the best. On top of the pain, I noticed that my collarbone was out of place. I thought this was odd. At two follow-ups, the doctors who examined me didn't see or even look at the bone. It took my 3rd follow-up for a doctor to finally pay attention to what was really going on. He asked to see my collarbone and said it right away. You need to have surgery because the bone will come through your skin, which will lead to an infection. All I could think about was, oh great, more pain that I have to handle. I left the hospital exhausted from everything going on. I just wanted to be left alone because nothing was making me happy. I always go through things alone, and I felt like I needed this time to be alone. I felt overstimulated in many ways, and my body was reacting to the stress. One thing that was so painful was having muscle spasms in both of my arms. I couldn’t describe how bad those felt. It’s like having a Charlie horse that won’t go away. I think this was God's way of telling me. You need this time to relax, reflect, and hibernate. I felt like I never really gave my body time to rest, as I’m always on the go. I wish I could rest differently instead of ending up like this. June 11th, I had my surgery… The 1st day was easy; the second day, oh man! The pain was so unbearable. After a few days, I felt a bit better and could move around more. While I was recovering, I received an email from a broker saying they had a place for rent. The place wasn't where I wanted to be, but I said, "Hey, let me give it a shot." Turned out the place was everything I wanted. It was quiet, and it instantly felt like home. Everyone who I know deeply knew the type of living situation I was dealing with, and having a slumlord of a landlord just made living in New York a living hell. I applied right away because I didn't want it to go off the market. I was approved, and I couldn’t have been happier, regardless of what was going on. This was just a wake-up call and reward for all the trauma I was facing. All it took was 3 years? During that time alone, I watched shows and movies, and I walked from my house to Central Park. My mom did make her way down from Houston to see me and be there while I had surgery, which was a blessing. I hate asking people for help, and I felt like I didn’t need any. I had to tell myself you can’t keep doing things on your own. Help is okay. I just wasn’t in the mood to see people. I just wanted to take in all the feelings I had and let them out. So I cried. I was not only crying because of the pain but also from all the tears I’ve been holding back, trying to be strong. All the time, things didn’t feel right. All the times I wanted to give up, but I kept pushing myself. All the built-up tears have finally left my body, and honestly, it helped a lot. I want to thank everyone who wrote to me and made sure I was okay; I love and appreciate you guys a lot. I know I’m not in this alone, and I have amazing people by my side. Honestly, if I didn’t have these people in my life, it wouldn’t be as great. I have amazing friends, my mom, and some family members, which is truly a blessing. This wasn’t a loss in my eyes, more like a wake-up call. It shifted my mindset and my approach to life. You only have one life to live; why stress over pointless things that do not bring you joy? Take as many breaks as you need; your body will thank you later. Take trips, form new hobbies, bike around. What if that was my last breath? I would say I lived life with no regrets, but there’s so much more I would like to see and do. My work on earth is not done yet. I do want to thank myself for being strong through all the Hell I’ve been through and for keeping on fighting. If you’re reading this, thank you for taking time out of your day. Life can humble you and set you back, but there’s always a better outcome in every situation.

“time does not heal all wounds; it just gives them space to sink into the subconscious, where they will continue to impact your emotions and behavior. what heals is going inward, loving yourself, accepting yourself, listening to your needs, addressing your attachments and emotional history, learning how to let go, and following your intuition.”

― yung pueblo, Clarity & Connection